Varieties of Open Relationship: negotiated non-monogamy

Economics and resource management turn up everywhere. In any long term sexual relationship where resources are pooled and a couple face the world as a team the arguments will be about sex and money. Insecurity and jealousy will arise, especially when sex takes place outside the relationship. Since sex tends to vanish in a long term relationship: to the extent that its absence is often the subject of jokes, there is always pressure to find outside the relationship what is lacking inside, but the assumption that relationships should be monogamous induces guilt Over the decades a small minority have questioned monogamy and looked at alternative models. As a result there is a veritable dictionary's worth of terms for these concepts. Open relationships, non-monogamy, polyamory and polyfidelity head the list. Here I am skimming the surface of a vast literature and write from a heterosexual perspective which it is the only one I know. As usual anything I say could be wrong and your mileage may vary.

In a relationship originally intended to be monogamous breaking the contract produces feelings of betrayal, anger, and fear. The man worries he might end up raising someone else's children, and the woman worries that the man might withdraw the resources he brings to the relationship. Thus, I recall reading, a man is more likely to forgive a woman who has a relationship with another man then comes back than one who has casual relationships with many men, and a woman is more likely to forgive a man who has multiple casual affairs than one who has a relationship with another woman then comes back. And both have the spectre of AIDS and other STDs at the back of their mind. Someone with low self esteem – religious people for example, since almost all religions promote low self esteem – may react violently, the violence being directed at the partner or themselves or any children. For some people the problems can be alleviated or removed by making the relationship non monogamous.

Monogamy is perhaps the easiest way to resolve the man's concern about possibly raising someone else's child and the woman's worries about being abandoned and financially broken (note for feminists – for millenia men have chosen to mate with women who are less independent and women have been conditioned to accept being financially dependent on a man as the norm. It will take a long time to undo this), and the fear of AIDS. At the very least any non monogamous relationship must address these basic concerns: safe sex all the way on the physical level and walking on eggshells on the emotional level. That extremely rare and painful quality total honesty is vital together with its complement, total acceptance and may be more painful to the one being honest than to the one on the receiving end.

There are a number of alternative models. In the Primary/secondary model there is a main relationship and other relationships are required to take less time and commitment. Often sex is allowed but not emotional involvement or commitment. If emotional involvement and commitment is allowed it must not threaten the primary relationship and either partner may veto a new relationship (presumably it is bad form to veto too many relationships).

This model has some advantages and covers the worries of the financially weaker spouse about abandonment and in times of crisis decisions about who to support are easy: the primary partner has priority. The disadvantages are that it is hard to control the secondary relationship and the third person may feel left out and react accordingly.

Another model is the Multiple Primary partner model. This involves three or more people who are all equal partners who negotiate for what they want whether that be sex, commitment or financial and living arrangements.

One variation of this model is polyfidelity, where sexual relations are only allowed between group members who may live together as a family – perhaps more accurately a small tribe and new members must be accepted by the whole group. This model can have the advantages of an extended family with more resources and in group support but the group has to be sufficiently in tune with each other to be able to stay together long term.

Another variant of the multiple primary partner model is open polyfidelity. Individuals can add new partners without seeking approval - but obviously have to consider the likely effects on existing partners. It may stress out those who like a clear set of rules and the negotiations needed, for example over holidays, may produce threatening conflicts of loyalties.

Another alternative is multiple non primary relationships. This suits people with commitments such as work, a political cause or a creative vocation. An artist who needs a lot of time alone to create or a someone who works with the poor or sick would find this a good model. It needs a careful choice of partner and changes may threaten the status quo, for example one partner may not need to travel for work any more or a married lover gets divorced and perhaps such possibilities should be discussed before starting the relationship.

As with a monogamous relationship non monogamous relationships need rules. The models discussed here need explicit rules, or rather guidelines which leave behind the safe harbours of culture and religion. Those looking to take this path must ask themselves questions as to how secure they need to feel, how much privacy they need and whether they want to feel like “number one”.